On the Long Distance Relationship in my Late 20's

There is a post I've been trying to write for a while now but I'm not quite sure how to word it.  You may remember back in 2012 (wow, that seems so long ago) when Zach and I were in a Long Distance Relationship.  If you don't remember, let me catch you up.  Zach and I met in October of 2011 and by May/June of 2012 he'd decided he was leaving Virginia to head back to his home state of Michigan.  I was left to decide whether or not I was going to join him.  Then in August of 2012 me, Zach, Zach's Parents, and my parents helped pack up all my stuff in to a car, a truck, and a small trailer.  And we made our way up north.  In October of 2012 we closed on the house - I'm pretty sure it was like a day before the one year anniversary of when we met.

Boy have times changed, and boy have we both grown.

If there is one thing I've ever been certain about in my life - it was that decision.  The decision to move.  That was always the answer, that was always the end point.  There was no what if I go? or What if I don't?  The decision was made, I was going to leave.  The hard part was getting to that point.  I was leaving but the decisions were when, how, how much, etc. So, we were in a Long Distance Relationship for a few months.  And it was hard.  Like one of the hardest things I've ever done.  I remember the day after he left and I went to work, I almost lost it.  All I could think about is how I could not do this, I could not be apart from him.  I almost gave it up and said I'm leaving tomorrow.  But part of this LDR was for me...was to prove I could do this.

Fast forward to now - 4 years later - it sees like a small drop in a huge pond.  Currently we are in another sort of long distance relationship.  Zach's job keeps him out of the country the majority of the year meaning we are apart a lot.  I mean like, a lot, a lot.  But I've been thinking recently about how I don't see it as a Long Distance Relationship, or at least not like I saw our previous one.  I'm not so concerned with how we make it work and I think it's because we made it work before.

Now, I'm not saying this current situation doesn't take work I'm just saying that I think our commitment to each other is at another level.  There's nothing stoping us from being together, I feel that our relationship isn't at such a delicate place like it was in the beginning.  In that first bit of a long distance relationship we really had no reason to stick together, we could have gone our separate ways and there really wasn't anything to lose.  Now we have every reason to stick together and we make it work because we both have everything to lose.  

It is hard to explain because 24 year old me was way different than 28 year old me.  And that is weird. This whole thing could have ended absolutely horribly.  I mean I'd just uplifted my whole life to move in with a guy I knew for a few months, 800 miles away from my home.  If 24 year old me told you she just knew, she didn't know as hard as 28 year old me just knows.  And I'm sure 32 year old me will tell you something different about how much she knows too.

In the very infancy of our relationship we were apart.  In that key part of getting to know each other we had to do so over Skype, emails, phone calls and text messages.  Even back then, I never thought this isn't going to work and I think that mind set is helpful.  We learned how to communicate and use words with intention because so many things are lost in translation over text messages and skype calls.  You can't read body language over the internet like you can when you're in the room with someone.  We still both say things the other doesn't interpret properly but putting the importance on communication in our relationship at the very beginning has helped a whole heck of a lot.

I have to say, it's really crazy to grow with someone in so many ways.  And I think that another reason why I don't feel that this is a long distance relationship.  We grew closer and matured through the last one....so why wouldn't we learn and grow through this one?  His job has opened so many opportunities for us.  We wouldn't have traveled through Seoul, South Korea with out his job.  I wouldn't have the opportunity to visit him in Amsterdam with out this job.  He wouldn't be able to travel the world with out this job.  He wouldn't be able to realize his creativity, problem solving, and all around smarty pants-ness with out this job.  He's a damn smart one and I'm so proud that is brains and problem solving landed him a job with all these wonderful opportunities.  So who knows how we will grow through this.  And it is true - it is hard, but it is an opportunity.

I think it boils down to selfishness vs selflessness.  It would be selfish not to see the opportunities this separation has opened for both of us.  It would be selfish to demand that someone turn down amazing opportunities offered to them.  And it would be selfish for me to drop all my responsibilities here to go to be with him.  Responsibilities are important to me - I have to earn an income, I have to pay my student loans, I have to pay my car loan, and most importantly I have to give the dog I looked in the eye and told she had a home, the home I promised her.  In our previous long distance relationship I was concerned with how it was affecting me.  How hard it was for me.  How I was dealing with it.  Now, with a bit more maturity I can still be concerned with myself but also concerned with us, and with him and his well being with us being apart.

If there is one thing I know....it is that I just know.  And let me tell you....no one can tell you anything when you just know.  And, when you know......you just know.  

So this was just a weird post to reflect back on 24/25 year old me and how 28 year old me is now.  I would love to sit and talk with all the younger me's in the past.  Man....that would be good.

xoxo, Moe

Surprise Visit

Yesterday I got a text saying that I would be able to see Zach last night.  We had originally planned to see each tonight....but his boss's wife went into labor so they had to cut the business trip short!

So around 9pm last night I came home to my man with a bouquet of flowers.  It was wonderful!

I couldn't be more thrilled!  This was the end of a 3 month journey.  To read more of our Long Distance journey, check these posts.

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LDR Post // Things I've Learned so far

Zach and I aren't in a traditional Long Distance Relationship, if there is such a thing as a traditional one.  We won't be separated for an extreme amount of time but it's still been very hard for me.

There are nights I am extremely sad, there are days when I wish I could just go home to him, & when he first left there were days it was just too hard & I couldn't focus.  While it's gotten better, it's also gotten worse.  It's gotten better because I've learned to be with out him (which is also a bad thing!) but it's gotten worse because, for me, communication has been harder.  I think getting used to being with out him will help me a lot in his new job where he travels all week, but it's still going to be hard!

Here are 3 more things I've learned when it comes to communication:

Use your words -  I am a big fan of using touch to convey emotion, maybe I just rely too much on being in close proximity to the person I am trying to communicate with.  Meaning, I can comfort you & feel like we are understanding each other if I am in the same room with you & can touch you.  So, a reassuring hug or holding of a hand I think really helps me feel safe & helps the other person feel safe.  It's hard to convey that comfort level through the phone or through skype.

It takes a lot more time to use your words to offer comfort & I really hope that I am getting better at that.  If we ever have a disagreement (mostly on decorating styles but on serious things too) it is hard to explain, be reassuring & understanding.  Sometimes words get misunderstood & then that creates a whole different problem.  But we've learned to be more patient, to say what we mean, to explain, & to listen more to each other's words & what each other is saying.

Skype can be a life saver - Not only do we Skype nearly every night just to spend time with each other, but I really believe Skype has saved us a few times.  Being that we can't be in the same room with each other (as mentioned above) means we aren't getting the same body language going on.  Skype helps with this because we can see each other's faces & see how each other is feeling.  Being unable to feel him around me has really thrown me off.  I take comfort in knowing that he is close...but when he's far its hard for me to feel that comfort.

Pinterest can help - Like I mentioned before we each have our own sense of decor style.  Something I love about Zach is he actually cares about making a home & decorating it.  Compromise is a huge word we are working on with moving & it's really helped to be able to share images of what we like to get feed back from the other person.  The best way we've found to do this? Through Pinterest!

One night on Skype I started sharing with him things that I thought we would both like.  This led to a pin board entitled Things We Both Like - For the Home.  Shortly thereafter, Zach joined Pinterest to create a few boards of what styles he liked so we could design each room of our home.  This site is better than clipping magazines!  Making a home is something dear to both of us & finding a balance has involved a lot of communication & frustration on both ends.

Compromise is the key word here.  Compromise doesn't mean you aren't getting your way.  Compromise means you are getting our way.  Compromise means together you are willing to build something great, two heads better than one & all that.

I am so thankful that I have a guy who totally understands me, who is patient, & who is in this with me the same amount I am.  It makes me so happy to know that I am safe.

I am going to pick up & move here at the end of July.  I've already been trying to pack up a few things here & there.  It's been a really hard decision & I have to say I am terrified of what may lay ahead.  All I can see though is us, happy, together, & in a home we both love.  It's getting to that part that is uncertain.

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On Being A Ship in Port

Until I graduated college I'd lived in the same house for 23 years.  My parent's still live in the house I grew up in & my Grandmother still lives in the house she lived in when I was younger, 10 minutes away from my parents.  I've always lived near the ocean, vacationed near the lake, & had a pool to call home in the Summer.

Images edited on my iPhone 4 with assorted apps, frame & light leaks applied in PictureShow

It is a strange notion to me to think that others have never, ever touched the ocean.  It's strange to think that other's don't spend vacations lounging on floats off the dock.  The first summer I stayed at my University instead of going home I felt like I was beached.  I felt dehydrated all the time!

There is something about freely floating that I just love.  To be able to submerge myself & feel the water all around me.  It is very important to me that I continue to live in close vicinity to the water.  I could never live in Arizona so moving nearer to Lake Michigan with Zach seems very appropriate.

We've been talking about houses lately.  We've been discussing decor & more importantly buying a home.  We've been weighing the options of renting vs. owning, of renovating vs move-in-ready, & if it's possible for me to attempt the self employment dream I've always wanted.  I talked a bit last week about my confusion at turning work into sales, & am still stuck there.  I don't know how other indie biz owners make it work! Am I not investing enough? How do I do it? I know I've got tons of books I need to be reading & loads of articles to go through.  I am excited & nervous to embark on this road!

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We've been talking about me moving up to meet him sooner rather than later & it scares the crap outta me.  I am nervous & excited.  But then I've got moving expenses, money to save, loans to pay....it all gets a bit overwhelming if you stop & think about it.  I wish I had the means to pack up & leave but wanting to finish what I've started (a lease) is really important to me.  But things may work out where they will let us out of our lease early.

All fears aside, I can't wait to make our own memories on the beaches of the Great Lakes.  I can't wait to see where the current takes us.  Even though I am terrified!

It also doesn't help that all my favorite references are nautical related or that I have a thing for anchors.  It's like that first jump off the dock into the cold lake, you've just gotta do it or you'll miss out on the fun!

A ship in port is safe, but that's not what ships are built for. And all that jazz.

Have you been thinking of taking a leap lately? 

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LDR Post // He Just Gets Me

(Let me warn you, if your not ready for some mushy love stuff, don't read this post!)

In the last LDR (Long Distance Relationship) post about Zach & I, I mentioned a few ways to keep things normal.  I also mentioned that I am slowly discovering things about myself that I do with out Zach.  I've grown to realize that in the past few months Zach has become a part of my identity, a part of who I am.  I am now a girlfriend.  I've always liked being a girlfriend because I get into Suzie Homemaker mode.  I've always hated being a girlfriend because I get into Suzie Homemaker mode.  After the end of my previous relationship, I stayed single for over 4 years.  At first it wasn't by choice, then I enjoyed being single, then near the end (before I met Zach) I guess I knew I was ready.  

When Zach & I first started dating, I was terrified when he'd mention the future.  It scared the crap outta me.  It was  nice to have someone to watch movies with & a new person to get to know...because we really did like each other...but I didn't want to rush into anything.  I just had 4 years of being able to develop who I am, I didn't want to sacrifice it by becoming too close to someone.  So when we first met, I was as giddy as a school girl thinking whether or not we'd fall in love, etc.  Then it hit me one day that I might be sacrificing who I was to be with him..so I sorta closed myself off.  But I couldn't stop falling for him more & more.  One day I realized we were great for each other & that he was bringing out the best parts of the person I'd become.  It was then I knew that I couldn't imagine being with anyone else.

Made using the iPhone app Phoster

So, what is this post about? It's about the fact that he just gets me.  I feel comfortable around him, more comfortable then I do around some of my friends.  He cares about my blog while some of the people in my everyday life don't really get it.  I am embarrassed to take outfit photos in front of my room mates but not in front of Zach.  He's even taken some for me.  Zach is so patient with me & even held all my cameras when I was switching off in Michigan.

I guess what I am saying is I've never been so completely comfortable & trusting with someone before.  Being so terrified in the beginning and now having him gone has made me realize what a part of my life he is.  This blog got a bit more exciting when I had someone to do things with!  Now I just feel sorta lame!

But this time is a time for us to discover who we are with out the other person being in our day to day life.  One of the comments (Kenzie from Bean and Bear) said

 I already knew I was attracted to him, but with long distance we now get to see if we can be friends and build up our friendship, which is going to last way longer than any puppy love attraction.

And I whole heartedly agree!  

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4 Ways to Keep Life Normal in a Long Distance Relationship

It's been really hard for me with Zach being away.  I've asked a pillow if it needed more bed thinking it was Zach, I've woken up not knowing where I was, & I've had sucky days just because I've been missing him so much.  It's so hard! But I've realized I've just got to buck up & stop moping and try to remember it's only temporary.


This is the second LDR (or Long Distance Relationship) I've been in and I have to say that I am much stronger than I was in the infancy of my college experience.  I also have better expectations, more plans, & more to look forward to at this stage in my life which is why I believe that an LDR where I am right now will work rather than the childish one I had when I was in college.

Love is a funny thing that you have to take seriously at some parts & just enjoy at other parts.  Sometimes things are hard & if you both have confidence and if you're both comfortable with where you are in life, I think an LDR can strengthen a relationship.  No one ever likes it, but if it has to be done you have to get through it.  (Who am I to say though, I've only been doing this all of 3 weeks...but I'm just being honest here.)


I wanted to share with you a few things we've been doing that just sort of keeps us at this normalcy we had when were were in the same state.

Skype dates // Since we started dating we've been watching Stargate. The first time I ever headed to his house, we watched the feature film & then began to watch the series.  We're on the 10th season of SG-1 & are about to finish up.

Every evening after work we'd make dinner & watch an episode or five.  Now that he's gone, we want to keep some sort of normal routine in our lives.  So we skype & hit play at the same time.  This means we're just sitting in bed (like we used to do) watching Stargate.  I think it's important to make time to do this because it means we're spending time together even if we aren't saying anything to each other.  

Sharing & communicating // Since were aren't together, it's hard to get a read on how each of us is doing that day.  We don't come home to each other anymore so we sorta don't know how each other is feeling or even whats going on in our lives.  So we try to talk about serious things, things that we saw or did that day, etc.  Just to keep each other in the loop in our lives.

We've also discovered that being so far away means different weather (totally obvious right?).  Zach went for a walk on the beach after a storm & sent me loads of pictures of things he found.  He knew I'd appreciate it & even though I was sad I couldn't find all the crazy awesome stuff with him, it's something we did together sort of.
Encouragement // Zach has always been good at encouraging me but now that he's away he's really been talking about my bloggy stuff.  I know it's cuz he want's me to stay busy, but I like that he really takes an interest in the things I do with out him.  He's also really big into antiquing and going to yard sales.  So I always ask him if he's found anything else & encourage him to dig to find some awesome scores.  

Usually he's good at finding things himself.  I should say he's always good at finding awesome things himself so when he found an old apothecary set for only $20 bucks, I was super excited!  We both like different things when we are thrifting/antiquing but knowing what each other is looking for is fun.  Encouraging each other's tastes & collections, you know.  He even bought me a nice carafe/decanter thing because I've talked about how I love them so much!  He's also always kept an eye out for suitcases/traincases.  I always keep an eye out for books, tube radios, & other electronic things.

Keeping Contact // Sometimes we'll send each other texts of things we see.  Other times its a good morning text with an image of one of us asleep.  Sometimes it's a little note in through email.  Sometimes it's just a thinking of you text or what I'm having for dinner text.  Sometimes it's a 'this is really hard to do' text.  Just keeping communication open through out the day.
Even with all of these things it's been hard.  I find myself staying up later to chat which makes me tired during the day, sot it's really about balance.  I've found that the only things I can do now are buy mint chocolate ice cream in a big tub all for myself because Zach doesn't like it (and wouldn't keep it as an option at his house because then we'd have too much ice cream (lol)) & I can sleep in later because he's not waking me up at 7am.  But I think I rather share a flavor of ice cream we both like than have my favorite flavor all to myself.
Have you been in a long distance relationship? How did you keep up with each other? How did you make it work in the end?

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