8.17.2017

Mindful Journey // Why I Stopped Being Self-Depreciating

There was a time in my life where I thought if I was hard on myself, I would improve my mistakes.  I would recite to myself in the mirror (as a grown ass adult) to stop fucking up.  Stop being an idiot.  Don't fuck it up today.  You're so stupid, why the fuck can't you do it.  I'm sorry for the curse words...but literally this is how I talked to myself.  I'm not saying I talked to myself like this in some distant past either....it was quite recent.  I'd say, not even a year ago I'd still talk to myself like this...in the mirror...most days before work.

I'd also express my hatred towards myself every time I made a simple mistake.  Knock something off of the desk when there is no reason I should have even hit it? Of course, I'm so clumsy.  I knock everything over.  Drop something while trying to carry it up the stairs? Of course, why would I think I would be able to do something right.  Screw up at work? Yep, idiot.  Anyone could do anything better than me.
Even in all of that, I still considered myself a pretty positive person...and I'm not sure why.  I'm confident those who interact with me on a daily basis can't believe that I would ever say those things.....let alone to myself.  Because I'd never talk that way to any one else.

In the current journey I've taken towards mindfulness I've realized that self deprecation can be a horrible, horrible pattern to break. (I talk about that a little bit in my Mindful Morning Routine post) Even now I catch myself in the same of course mindset - Knock something over? Why did I even think I'd be able to reach for something or walk somewhere without hitting something.  Why would I think that?  I can tell you at least once a week I do something that makes me instantly say 'Of course you would do that' even now.  

Honestly, I didn't even realize this negative talk was really hurting me until I realized that I'd started to do it less & less.  Once I started realizing when I'd do it....I began to correct it.  Mindfulness is not the absence of all thought & that every. single. movement is always with purpose....it is the act of realizing when your actions, thoughts, and movements aren't serving you.  It is the act of realizing when you aren't moving with purpose...and moving those actions towards purpose.  As soon as you start to see the pattern & identify it....you can correct it!

At first I didn't intend to stop this negative self talk.  It's one of those things where you agree it should be done, it's probably not helpful, but you don't internalize that.  You think that it's for someone else to do, not you....you're fine.  Because, again I considered myself a positive person.  
It wasn't until I started to work with affirmations - and I can't even tell you when I decided that this was going to be a thing I was doing - that I realized the energy I put behind reciting them made me feel good.  I'm pretty sure it was a slippery slope from learning to read Tarot, to wanting to meditate, to finding something to encourage & align my thoughts that I realized a positive quote might help me out here.

Enter affirmations!  This blog post puts it best - an affirmation is a statement which describes a mindset or goal in it's completed state.  An affirmation allows you to align with your goals by stating that you're already there.  You've got an accomplished mindset already in simply stating I am.

The negative lives with us all day in our brains.  That voice of disappointment.  It is constantly there.  It is much easier for us to dwell in the negative...I'm not sure where this comes from but we don't stoke the good things when they happen, we commiserate and complain about the bad things.  I was listening to a podcast recently that challenged us to rave about the good things...even when we're in that negative mood.  You had a horrible day at work. Feel that feeling....but work towards replacing it with a good feeling.  We don't need to drown ourselves, we need to make it back to the surface.  We need that fresh air of positivity.

I've said it before and I'll say it again - the phrase think positive is bullshit.  Positivity is something we must practice.  It is not a switch to flip.  It is a mindset to ease into - like a stretch - the more we practice it the more we can shift into it. 

Self care, meditation, affirmations all of this can help with our positive self talk.  Mercury is currently in retrograde from August 12th, 2017 until September 4th, 2017.  This is a great time for self care. Stress maybe high because of the affect mercury may have on communication but it is a great time for reflection & rekindling.  This past lunar cycle I've been mentioning so much about the Heart Chakra, our own self forgiveness.  Mercury Retrograde also asks us to look with in.  So do the things that make you happy...journal, pick up an old project, take a class on an interest you have....do the things that will give you feelings of pride and accomplishment.
I stopped being self deprecating because it wasn't helpful.  Because it isn't helpful.  As with everything when it comes to our own journeys...my words will mean nothing until your mindset shifts.  I hope one day this article comes to mind as you realize that you're aligning to something different.  I know that's how it always works for me - something is ridiculous until suddenly it isn't.

If you're a part of the $5 Fam on my Patreon Page you'll find a set of positive affirmation digital prints to hang in your office, make into a planner dashboard...anything you'd like to do with these files - except sell them - is up to you.  I've also included a PDF with the three images sized to 3x4 inches to print as journaling cards.

The $5 Fam gains access to an exclusive printable each month + access to all previous months.  If you sign up as a patron of this tier today you'll find that there are 2 prints waiting for you (last month + the current month).  I hope you'll consider supporting the content on this blog by becoming a patron!

Remember, self depreciation is a hard habit to break.  You're not going to turn around in a day.  With practice you can learn to slip into a positive mindset.

How have you stopped negative self talk?  How do you forgive yourself?

xoxo, Moe

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