I Had A Dream Last Night Where I Was Harry Potter // On Success & Failure

Last night I had a dream where I was Harry Potter.  Weird.  Believe me, I know.  In the dream I was insanely popular, everyone thought I was awesome and, counter to the actual HP story, when my name came out of the Goblet of Fire everyone cheered for me.  It was great. I woke up this morning & thought 'Man, this it totally related to my life right now!'

(Pardon any seeming arrogance but..) I know I make an impression on a lot of people through my blog.  I know because I have tons of friends through blogging, tons of acquaintances (which I had to look up because I couldn't spell that word!), & tons of followers/readers that I appreciate so much, & tons of people that have given me tons of advice.  But my reach doesn't go beyond the magical world of blogging, really.  Just like Harry, where no one outside the magical world knew who he was, no one out side of the small part of the blogging world I am in know who I am.  Even with in Harry's personal life he felt alone & as if no one understood him.  Sometimes, even with in my own personal life, I feel alone.

But, just because your mom's sister's best friend's cousin doesn't read my blog, that doesn't mean I'm not worth something...that I should pack it all up & go home.  Just because you've never heard of me doesn't discount all the things I've done or work hard to do.  Just because I am struggling doesn't mean I am failing.

We are only as strong as we are united, as weak as we are divided
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In HP, Harry Potter saved the world, & millions of people never knew or ever will know that he did....but he still did it.  That's a little epic for just wanting to be a blogger & I'm not saying my blog will save the world, but what I am saying is I still want to do it, even if only one person cares, even if no one understands....because I know, out there somewhere is someone who is nearly like me..& I want to reach them & I want to tell them that I am trying too & that it will all be ok. Hopefully.

I don't want the fear of failure to stop me from doing what I really care about
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I've achieved so much in this year not only in blogging, but in growing to know myself & knowing what I could do.  As Zach & I try to make plans regarding me moving up to meet him I've realized that I am not financially able to do it without his help.  I am fiercely independent.  Its hard for me to accept help because I am afraid it will dangle over my head as a debt & I'd rather not owe anything to anyone.  But this inability to move doesn't mean that all the things I've done to be financially stable here don't count, that doesn't mean that I'm a failure.  For the past few days I have felt that I haven't lived up to the something that you're supposed to be after college: Financially well off & not just stable.  However, the dream last night made me realize that I've lived up to every goal I've set for myself in this past year & I am so proud!!

I took the job I have now a year ago because it would give me the most experience knowing it wouldn't give me the most money & a year ago I wasn't looking to move 800 miles away.  I've been able to meet all of my financial obligations every month since I've moved out of my parent's house AND put money (however little it may have been) in savings each month.  I've not asked money from my parents once.  I've been able to afford pottery studio time, clay, supplies, etsy fees, sponsor fees, rent, loan payments, insurance payments, gas for my car, trips, visiting my family....all on time, all on my own.  I only asked for help once from someone & only for gas.  I set a goal for myself (ages ago) to not go home after graduation.  So I bought a car, insured it, found a job, & moved, on my own.  And while I haven't been making bank for my first year post grad, I've gained tons of resume experience, tons of experience in indie biz, & I proved to myself that I can do it..what ever the hell the 'it' is that I've been trying to reach, I feel successful.  I've paid off debt & haven't racked up any more, I've been financially responsible for the past year but the fact that I've done this sometimes seems to only matter to me.  I've been able to keep my blog & shop afloat on sales, etc...but that seems to not mean much because I am not profitable yet.  Through all of this I've been able to pay on every debt I have & still use the degree that gave me the majority of my debt, makes me successful.

Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times.  If only one remember to turn on the light
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Now, the Voldemort I face is not being able to afford to move.  So I hope that, like Harry who, in the end, discovered he had the support of everyone around him who felt he was worth it will work out for me.  They didn't help Harry because they felt sorry for him, they helped him because they knew he was worth it & that it was one thing he couldn't do on his own.  That's what I want: Help because I have deserved it not help because it looks like I am failing.

I am very proud of where I am.  My poorly paid job & my success.  Happiness makes me happy, not money.

Sorry for any poor grammar....

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