I Had A Dream Last Night Where I Was Harry Potter // On Success & Failure

Last night I had a dream where I was Harry Potter.  Weird.  Believe me, I know.  In the dream I was insanely popular, everyone thought I was awesome and, counter to the actual HP story, when my name came out of the Goblet of Fire everyone cheered for me.  It was great. I woke up this morning & thought 'Man, this it totally related to my life right now!'

(Pardon any seeming arrogance but..) I know I make an impression on a lot of people through my blog.  I know because I have tons of friends through blogging, tons of acquaintances (which I had to look up because I couldn't spell that word!), & tons of followers/readers that I appreciate so much, & tons of people that have given me tons of advice.  But my reach doesn't go beyond the magical world of blogging, really.  Just like Harry, where no one outside the magical world knew who he was, no one out side of the small part of the blogging world I am in know who I am.  Even with in Harry's personal life he felt alone & as if no one understood him.  Sometimes, even with in my own personal life, I feel alone.

But, just because your mom's sister's best friend's cousin doesn't read my blog, that doesn't mean I'm not worth something...that I should pack it all up & go home.  Just because you've never heard of me doesn't discount all the things I've done or work hard to do.  Just because I am struggling doesn't mean I am failing.

We are only as strong as we are united, as weak as we are divided
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In HP, Harry Potter saved the world, & millions of people never knew or ever will know that he did....but he still did it.  That's a little epic for just wanting to be a blogger & I'm not saying my blog will save the world, but what I am saying is I still want to do it, even if only one person cares, even if no one understands....because I know, out there somewhere is someone who is nearly like me..& I want to reach them & I want to tell them that I am trying too & that it will all be ok. Hopefully.

I don't want the fear of failure to stop me from doing what I really care about
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I've achieved so much in this year not only in blogging, but in growing to know myself & knowing what I could do.  As Zach & I try to make plans regarding me moving up to meet him I've realized that I am not financially able to do it without his help.  I am fiercely independent.  Its hard for me to accept help because I am afraid it will dangle over my head as a debt & I'd rather not owe anything to anyone.  But this inability to move doesn't mean that all the things I've done to be financially stable here don't count, that doesn't mean that I'm a failure.  For the past few days I have felt that I haven't lived up to the something that you're supposed to be after college: Financially well off & not just stable.  However, the dream last night made me realize that I've lived up to every goal I've set for myself in this past year & I am so proud!!

I took the job I have now a year ago because it would give me the most experience knowing it wouldn't give me the most money & a year ago I wasn't looking to move 800 miles away.  I've been able to meet all of my financial obligations every month since I've moved out of my parent's house AND put money (however little it may have been) in savings each month.  I've not asked money from my parents once.  I've been able to afford pottery studio time, clay, supplies, etsy fees, sponsor fees, rent, loan payments, insurance payments, gas for my car, trips, visiting my family....all on time, all on my own.  I only asked for help once from someone & only for gas.  I set a goal for myself (ages ago) to not go home after graduation.  So I bought a car, insured it, found a job, & moved, on my own.  And while I haven't been making bank for my first year post grad, I've gained tons of resume experience, tons of experience in indie biz, & I proved to myself that I can do it..what ever the hell the 'it' is that I've been trying to reach, I feel successful.  I've paid off debt & haven't racked up any more, I've been financially responsible for the past year but the fact that I've done this sometimes seems to only matter to me.  I've been able to keep my blog & shop afloat on sales, etc...but that seems to not mean much because I am not profitable yet.  Through all of this I've been able to pay on every debt I have & still use the degree that gave me the majority of my debt, makes me successful.

Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times.  If only one remember to turn on the light
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Now, the Voldemort I face is not being able to afford to move.  So I hope that, like Harry who, in the end, discovered he had the support of everyone around him who felt he was worth it will work out for me.  They didn't help Harry because they felt sorry for him, they helped him because they knew he was worth it & that it was one thing he couldn't do on his own.  That's what I want: Help because I have deserved it not help because it looks like I am failing.

I am very proud of where I am.  My poorly paid job & my success.  Happiness makes me happy, not money.

Sorry for any poor grammar....

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On Growing Older // One Year Since Graduation

This post has been long in the making, I am posting it a bit early (since I didn't graduate really until May 14th of 2011) because of seeing all my left over friends' post on Facebook about graduation.  Be ready for a fast ride through my first year post grad in a post dusted with a few quotes & song lyrics.  So here you go:

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It's been one year since I graduated with a BFA.  One whole year. I walked across the stage in front of so many people that it sounded like rain when they started to clap, exactly one year ago, May  14th, 2011.

I packed up all my belongings from the apartment over looking the Main St of my college town & headed in home in the car I bought by myself to spend exactly one week at my parents house.  I started my first job in the middle of May, started my second job shortly there after. Quit my second job while still being employed at my first.  Found a third job & started in July.  Quit my first job & started only working at my third job.

I was hired as an Office Manager & quickly learned I loved playing office all day.  I've since used my creative degree to design a brochure, catalog, & student handbook, to give the business a cohesive look, and to teach others about creating a creative resume that stands out.

I worked my butt off that summer.  I don't remember how much I made, but I was so poor.  I still am poor but now it's like a good poor.  I couldn't go to my family reunion because I had to work.  Only after driving through the night did I manage to get to see everyone on the day after.  This was the last time my family was together before my grandfather's passing.  I didn't get to hang out with my friends or go to amusement parks, or hang out in the sun.  I was exhausted every night.  I hardly could take the one hour drive to see my family or to go swimming because I was so busy.  I don't know if that summer was the best summer or the worst summer of my life.

We moved house about mid summer, closer to where I worked.  We had issues with the dryer, Katie & Jason got married in August. I got to go to the Lake for a few days with the puppy around September.  Fall became a better season as I was only working one job.  Eventually we decided to go camping & we went the weekend I met Zach.  That Monday (Columbus Day) Zach & I had our second date.  2 weeks later he asked me to go steady.  Very many things in life are mediocre & love shouldn't be one of them, I realized.  As we grew closer & closer, I'd get terrified when he'd talk about the future.  I'd beg him to stop talking & told him we'd get there when we got there.

We celebrated Thanksgiving at my maternal grandma's house.  We celebrated Christmas at my paternal grandparent's house.  We celebrated New Year's with friends where we got a little bit tipsy & he sang Queen songs to me including Fat Bottomed Girls (I don't know what he's saying about me lol).  All of a sudden I became a girlfriend when not more that a few months ago I was thinking only of myself.  One day I found myself slowly accumulating things at his house, then I'd wash the dishes, or help with the laundry.  Suddenly there were things of mine in the laundry.  Then I realized I'd started to care about building a life with someone.

In January my grandfather passed at 75 leaving my grandma, his wife of 57 years, & our family all heartbroken.  The best & yet hardest part of it all was having everyone together that whole week, which my grandfather would have loved.  I got to participate in the midnight, girls-only, donut run pastime that lost a little bit of its fun since there is no longer a sweets loving granddad to bring them home to.  Zach met nearly my whole family on my father's side.  He decided he really liked my aunt Jeanie.

On Valentine's Day Zach & I made pasta from scratch.  He bought me a dozen purple roses that were $75. I fussed at him for spending so much money but I appreciated them.  Through February I got back in the groove with ceramics.  I discovered I could make wheel thrown pottery.  I signed up for classes until the Fall.  $300 came out of my wallet rather quickly for it too.

In March, I finally got a drawer over at Zach's house as his move out date creeped closer.  March meant he didn't have to go to work since it was the start of his terminal leave.  We went to Michigan & spent 10 whole days.  I discovered that I could go anywhere with him & probably be happy.  We went antiquing, beach walking, & Steak n Shake eating.  I was slowly coming to realize that I could build a life with this guy.

April came & went quickly as we packed up Zach's house.  It is a this point in this post that I realize I've replaced a lot of the 'I's' with 'We'. I cried as we left an empty apartment that was more his than mine, but somehow became ours. The day I never thought would come, May 1st, came & he left.  The weeks are now filled with skype dates, phone calls, & texts to each other.

This has been my life until now.  In one single year I learned so much.  In one single year I learned that college really is the best time of your life.  I learned that I'd rather be happily working and having quality of life than being tied down to a job. I learned to trust some one, something I never thought I'd be able to do again.  I learned that in one single year your whole life can change.  I learned in one single year that I could do it, that I could make it work.  I learned to be happy.

In college I learned how to be myself.  I developed who I was.  I discovered my love of art.  I had many jobs that taught me many things one of which was how to drive 15 passenger busses.  In college I think I probably laughed twice as much as I cried.  I had my heart broken.  I felt like I hit a brick wall.  I learned to love myself.  I learned far more of this through art then I ever did through any other major.  I learned responsibility, accountability, & how to have fun.

I've said before that college was a 5 year plan for me.  I can't imagine what my life would be like if I'd been graduated for two years now.  Two years ago I wasn't ready to be out.  Two years ago I didn't have the determination to leave my parents' house.  Two years ago I'd probably be working in a place I hate.  Also, what if I'd kept my math major.  What would I be doing now?  I think it's so funny to see how life turns out for us.  How, for the most part, we are discovering what life has in store for us rather than what we have planned for it.  Sometimes things fall into place the exact way you want it & sometimes things fall into place the exact way they should be.

So to everyone who graduated on Saturday, or the Saturday before that, or will graduate the Saturday after this one, Congrats!  I still can't believe we've gotten this far.

So have fun at your grad parties, packing up your apartments, and getting the hell outta that college town. Here's to a bright future, what ever it will be.  I have faith you will find a job as well!!

Fan Fridays: It's Time

Finally!! I am graduating tomorrow...so this is a fan fridays fashion post about what I will be wearing tomorrow

Cap, gown, hood, cords.

white wedges!

nice & light tee shirt dress (even though it is supposed to rain!)

messing around with my robe & stuff night before!

woooo hooooo graduation

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Congrats to all!!

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Dorm Dec Wednesdays: Living with 'Wants'

I recently tweeted that "I have so many 'wants'...I need to be more happy with what I've got" which while it should have said 'happier', is a very true statement.

Let's be real for a second (this post might get a bit personal) I am not the broke of the brokest college students.  I have parent's that have provided me with part of my college education, who have given me things I've needed & asked for, and a family that always asks if I need anything & is so willing to help me out.  With all of this I've never really felt a deep feeling of want or need.  I've always been good with money & saving (though I do thrift a bit too often) and I do have a lot of possessions.  I am definitely a 'thing haver'.  I think, however, that I've really grown up in the past year & I don't want anyone to buy me or provide me with anything.  

This growing up included buying my own car, putting tires on it, registering it, & insuring it all by myself, deciding that I am not going to go home after graduation but am moving to a city/town an hour+ from my hometown, the realization that a BFA doesn't necessarily prepare you for working a desk job like much of America, and the realization that I don't want to work a desk job like the rest of America.  All of these things scare me & worry me that I won't be able to provide for myself.  I worry I won't be able to pay bills, insurance, food, etc but mostly that I won't be able to pursue & further my art, sewing, crocheting, & etsy shop. Running these blogs & With Love is very important to me & it is a real dream I have.  I would love to have a brick & mortar shop and it is a long time goal of mine.  I worry the most that I will be shackled to the bills I have to pay & have little money to do anything but just get by.

With all that said I find myself in want of things that I want to pay for.  Not things I want as a gift or because I know my someone would buy them for me.  I want to be able to have all of the things I want & I want to be able to buy them. I want to be able to have all the things I need & I want to be able to buy them.  Since right now things I need are more important to me, I think about those things more that the things I want.

I've never really been a worrier because I know I am a hard worker, a dedicated person, & am driven to get what I want in the sense of a job.  I've always had a job & have always gotten rave reviews as an employee but I worry that I won't find a job that I love that will also provide for me.

People graduate from college every year, they are prepared & unprepared, yet they graduate.  Many of them achieve their goals & many end up leading happy lives.  I know I will be in that category but I think it is the uncertainty that scares me.  When I graduated high school I knew there was no other option (for me at least) than to go to college.  This was just the natural progression of things.  Well, I am getting a degree in something that people still see as unstable, a degree I feel is sort of unstable myself, but I chose it because life is to short not to do something you love.  I don't know what the natural progression is after graduation.  There is nothing waiting for me which is a good & bad thing.  I can achieve anything I want, do whatever I want...but I don't really know what I want to do.  I know what I'd like to get into, I know what kind of experiences I'd like, but I am not certain I want to be stuck with one thing just so soon.

I need to be happier with the things I have because I have a lot of nice things & I do love all the things I have. As I look around my room, I am satisfied with what I've got.  I know, moving out, I'll be bringing with me a dresser, a night stand, a small little book case, two lamps, a desk, a desk chair, another chair, & a papasan chair so for furniture I am pretty much set.  I just need a bed.  Now that I've laid it out, my furniture worries aren't that bad.  But I still need to find a job to pay for the apartment I am moving into with my best friend & the gas to get from the apartment to the job, & the loans from school.

Well that was a long & uncertain post.  But I wanted to share a little of myself.

This is what I think my apartment will feel the first year or so:

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Any suggestions on graduating & grabbing the world by the horns?

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